I wanted to say sorry for not posting for so long, but i swear there were times when i wanted to write things so bad, but could'nt. Sometimes because of my laziness and sometimes because i was unable to express anything.
Just now i was writing something else, but i have been feeling really guilty about everything i have done in past few months and hence i better confess it rather than keeping it inside and dying. It has been very suffocating and irritating on my part that i have started doing things which i hated the most and would have never done. Things which i considered as sin are now becoming a routine of my life and unknowingly they are crawling in with me remaining unnoticed about anything.
Last night i was high. Oh yes i was. So what? I was just high. But NO, it was a big deal for me. A guy who hated people who drank alcohol, is now sitting in the darkness alone with a bottle of whiskey, some soda and ice with a glass in his hand sipping it in, and getting high with every sip. I dont know when it began, but as far as i remember, it was 18th October when i had a huge fight with someone. The next day i went out with friends and drank some beer and thats all i remember from where it began. Today lets try some beer and tomorrow it went upto whiskey. Even a day came in my life when after drinking a whole bottle of vodka firstly i was dancing with friends and the next minute i was throwing up all over. I had an exam the next day and that too a semester exam. I gave that somehow, got a good 88 in it too but the point is not that. The point is that a person who would never touch alcohol is not all wet in it. I never realize but i drink atleast twice a week as far as i can make out. When this was not enough, i did another thing which as as bad as a sin for me. I am a patient of asthma. Just running a few steps give me some short breaths and look i started smoking. Why? I dont know. Someone said it keeps you out of tension, being mad one day(31st Dec 2010, 11:57pm spending the first minute of the new year buying a cigarette) i thought of trying it once, and i did. I was smoking..i did'nt knew how to, but my experience of being a passive smoker helped me doing that easily.
And last night i for once tried both togather, with a glass of whiskey in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and getting very high. Changed my facebook status on that too. "What a Sad Day.. Everything looking so Underwater-ish..". Sad day because it was a 22nd and nothing even happened. I couldnt even generate enough strength to message her that day and "Underwater-ish" because it was all moving slowly. Seemed like i was inside water and every movement going so slow. In my life ever, i have never been so high. I could'nt feel even my own skin, all i could feel was a very different and strange feeling. High is High, it could'nt be explained. Some are happy high, some cry. For myself i would say "go figure", because i dont know what i get. I am smiling when i am high, trying to feel happy, but i am preoccupied with all those thoughts which make me sad, and i am stuck in a feeling in between. But whatever i did/do, i never like and i don't want to do.
So yes.. The poaster of the movie i have posted above, on seeing that movie, i never had a feeling of liking, eventhough most of he people from my age group were mad about it, i had this in back of my mind.. this fear.. that if something happens, i will become like Dev shown in the movie, i never wanted to but i felt i might, and maybe after all the circumstances, my sub-concious made me do all this. I am not this person, but still i want to be someone else. I am confident focussed, but still there are things i am running from and i am landing myself up nowhere, ruining myself and taking a self-destructive behaviour. I dont know why i want to punish myself, when i never did anything to hurt anyone....
<Hard to confess all this because no one has any idea about it at all..>
But one thing i have realised in life.. A person and his behavior today is not what he has got from anywhere, but what he is today is what the circumstances made him....
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