A Phone Call can make your day "Unusually" :-) Happpppyyyyyy :-)...

I had this bad accident last night. A terrible one by my means. I was returning home from my college festival at 10 in the night. My sister had this awesome presentation the next day, somom and dad both were helping out. As i was on my way back, a call came saying - Brother you have to get me a box of rice for tomorrow. I never had a habit of saying a NO and especially to my family. That night i had to go to a friends place, a little alcohol plan with him after ages. I dont know why he has been ignoring me and my problems from a while now and we never had cleared out about them. I thought it as a good opportunity to sit and relax with him and have a long chat, but this sudden call from my sister made me change my plan. I dropped my laptop at his place, ensuring that i will be back in a while and raced for the food shop, which was on the verge of closing. "2 boxes of Rice" I ordered the cashier and there they were. Smelling so tasty that my mouth was full of water, anticipating the tasty food. I put on my helmet, started my bike and the next moment i was back on the road, rushing towards home.

They say "Empty mind a devils workshop", and there cant be a bigger devil  mind than that of mine. I have this very wild thinking, in which i think of extremes and having a habit of running away from life from a few months, i was thinking about my death while riding the bike. Zooom i went past the next truck, but now humming a song. I wasent thinking about it anymore. "10  9  8" said the timer on the red light as i took a right turn, which was about to bring the worst of feelings and first time experience to me.

It had drizzeled just an hour back, when i was enjoying the dance in the rain. At that time i never thought that the roads will be slippery too. ZoooOOOom i went past the house on the main road, which i always admired. I was at not more than 60kmph, when i saw a car standing right in the middle of the road, trying to take a right turn. Since then i dont know what happenned, but the next moment i was slidding all over the road with my bike and in a moment, i rolled of the surface and was lying on the road. Bruised elbows and knees and cuts all over the body alongwith a broken bike was me at 11pm. I called up dad and asked for help. He took me home.

I donot have a habit of publicising an accident like this, but i wanted someone to care, so i messaged a friend. She called back and i was feeling much better that atleast someone in the world cared, counting my mom, dad and sister out. Been so habitual to share my thought with her, i didnot knew what to do and whom to share with, so the thought in my mind of messaging her, i lied down in my bed and never realized when i slept.

I dream of her. Yes i dream a lot about her and again she came in my dreams, though my memorycant recall what it was. Waking up with the feeling of whatever i saw was a dream and "Welcome to Reality", i was again occupied with the thought of messaging her and telling the story...

8 o clock, 9 o clock, 10 , 11 and it was 12.22 when i finally decided to write a message to her.

"Hey.." i wrote, thinking the words i will write next. It took me full 30 minutes to think and gather strength to press the send button. I gathered guts and yes. Sending..... Sent! Now waiting for my friends in the lobby, who were angry and annoyed because i didnt tellthem about my accident, i got a call... It was her name flashing on the screen alongwith her beautiful display picture, which i had asked for when she went for her friends wedding. She was looking so pretty and i loved the way she was smiling in that. Looking at her eyes and not wasting much time, i picked the call. "Hello" was what i heard. I was ecstatic, zealed and mad to hear her again. it has been 3 months that i heard her last, and listening to her again was like a dream now. That was the call which made my day... I was unusually happy, smiling around and feeling good that i had a talk with her, though i know that she wont call back again, but that happy feeling of listening to her again and that temporary satisfaction of the heart that "SHE CARES", just a little bit though, just out of sympathy though, but she does, will drive happiness in me for a few days... I know that.... I am happy today.. very happy to have spoken to her....

(originally) A sad feeling..? (but as i started writing) Confession...

I wanted to say sorry for not posting for so long, but i swear there were times when i wanted to write things so bad, but could'nt. Sometimes because of my laziness and sometimes because i was unable to express anything.

Just now i was writing something else, but i have been feeling really guilty about everything i have done in past few months and hence i better confess it rather than keeping it inside and dying. It has been very suffocating and irritating on my part that i have started doing things which i hated the most and would have never done. Things which i considered as sin are now becoming a routine of my life and unknowingly they are crawling in with me remaining unnoticed about anything.

Last night i was high. Oh yes i was. So what? I was just high. But NO, it was a big deal for me. A guy who hated people who drank alcohol, is now sitting in the darkness alone with a bottle of whiskey, some soda and ice with a glass in his hand sipping it in, and getting high with every sip. I dont know when it began, but as far as i remember, it was 18th October when i had a huge fight with someone. The next day i went out with friends and drank some beer and thats all i remember from where it began. Today lets try some beer and tomorrow it went upto whiskey. Even a day came in my life when after drinking a whole bottle of vodka firstly i was dancing with friends and the next minute i was throwing up all over. I had an exam the next day and that too a semester exam. I gave that somehow, got a good 88 in it too but the point is not that. The point is that a person who would never touch alcohol is not all wet in it. I never realize but i drink atleast twice a week as far as i can make out. When this was not enough, i did another thing which as as bad as a sin for me. I am a patient of asthma. Just running a few steps give me some short breaths and look i started smoking. Why? I dont know. Someone said it keeps you out of tension, being mad one day(31st Dec 2010, 11:57pm spending the first minute of the new year buying a cigarette) i thought of trying it once, and i did. I was smoking..i did'nt knew how to, but my experience of being a passive smoker helped me doing that easily.

And last night i for once tried both togather, with a glass of whiskey in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and getting very high. Changed my facebook status on that too. "What a Sad Day.. Everything looking so Underwater-ish..". Sad day because it was a 22nd and nothing even happened. I couldnt even generate enough strength to message her that day and "Underwater-ish" because it was all moving slowly. Seemed like i was inside water and every movement going so slow. In my life ever, i have never been so high. I could'nt feel even my own skin, all i could feel was a very different and strange feeling. High is High, it could'nt be explained. Some are happy high, some cry. For myself i would say "go figure", because i dont know what i get. I am smiling when i am high, trying to feel happy, but i am preoccupied with all those thoughts which make me sad, and i am stuck in a feeling in between. But whatever i did/do, i never like and i don't want to do.

So yes.. The poaster of the movie i have posted above, on seeing that movie, i never had a feeling of liking, eventhough most of he people from my age group were mad about it, i had this in back of my mind.. this fear.. that if something happens, i will become like Dev shown in the movie, i never wanted to but i felt i might, and maybe after all the circumstances, my sub-concious made me do all this. I am not this person, but still i want to be someone else. I am confident focussed, but still there are things i am running from and i am landing myself up nowhere, ruining myself and taking a self-destructive behaviour. I dont know why i want to punish myself, when i never did anything to hurt anyone....

<Hard to confess all this because no one has any idea about it at all..>

But one thing i have realised in life.. A person and his behavior today is not what he has got from anywhere, but what he is today is what the circumstances made him....