A Phone Call can make your day "Unusually" :-) Happpppyyyyyy :-)...

I had this bad accident last night. A terrible one by my means. I was returning home from my college festival at 10 in the night. My sister had this awesome presentation the next day, somom and dad both were helping out. As i was on my way back, a call came saying - Brother you have to get me a box of rice for tomorrow. I never had a habit of saying a NO and especially to my family. That night i had to go to a friends place, a little alcohol plan with him after ages. I dont know why he has been ignoring me and my problems from a while now and we never had cleared out about them. I thought it as a good opportunity to sit and relax with him and have a long chat, but this sudden call from my sister made me change my plan. I dropped my laptop at his place, ensuring that i will be back in a while and raced for the food shop, which was on the verge of closing. "2 boxes of Rice" I ordered the cashier and there they were. Smelling so tasty that my mouth was full of water, anticipating the tasty food. I put on my helmet, started my bike and the next moment i was back on the road, rushing towards home.

They say "Empty mind a devils workshop", and there cant be a bigger devil  mind than that of mine. I have this very wild thinking, in which i think of extremes and having a habit of running away from life from a few months, i was thinking about my death while riding the bike. Zooom i went past the next truck, but now humming a song. I wasent thinking about it anymore. "10  9  8" said the timer on the red light as i took a right turn, which was about to bring the worst of feelings and first time experience to me.

It had drizzeled just an hour back, when i was enjoying the dance in the rain. At that time i never thought that the roads will be slippery too. ZoooOOOom i went past the house on the main road, which i always admired. I was at not more than 60kmph, when i saw a car standing right in the middle of the road, trying to take a right turn. Since then i dont know what happenned, but the next moment i was slidding all over the road with my bike and in a moment, i rolled of the surface and was lying on the road. Bruised elbows and knees and cuts all over the body alongwith a broken bike was me at 11pm. I called up dad and asked for help. He took me home.

I donot have a habit of publicising an accident like this, but i wanted someone to care, so i messaged a friend. She called back and i was feeling much better that atleast someone in the world cared, counting my mom, dad and sister out. Been so habitual to share my thought with her, i didnot knew what to do and whom to share with, so the thought in my mind of messaging her, i lied down in my bed and never realized when i slept.

I dream of her. Yes i dream a lot about her and again she came in my dreams, though my memorycant recall what it was. Waking up with the feeling of whatever i saw was a dream and "Welcome to Reality", i was again occupied with the thought of messaging her and telling the story...

8 o clock, 9 o clock, 10 , 11 and it was 12.22 when i finally decided to write a message to her.

"Hey.." i wrote, thinking the words i will write next. It took me full 30 minutes to think and gather strength to press the send button. I gathered guts and yes. Sending..... Sent! Now waiting for my friends in the lobby, who were angry and annoyed because i didnt tellthem about my accident, i got a call... It was her name flashing on the screen alongwith her beautiful display picture, which i had asked for when she went for her friends wedding. She was looking so pretty and i loved the way she was smiling in that. Looking at her eyes and not wasting much time, i picked the call. "Hello" was what i heard. I was ecstatic, zealed and mad to hear her again. it has been 3 months that i heard her last, and listening to her again was like a dream now. That was the call which made my day... I was unusually happy, smiling around and feeling good that i had a talk with her, though i know that she wont call back again, but that happy feeling of listening to her again and that temporary satisfaction of the heart that "SHE CARES", just a little bit though, just out of sympathy though, but she does, will drive happiness in me for a few days... I know that.... I am happy today.. very happy to have spoken to her....

(originally) A sad feeling..? (but as i started writing) Confession...

I wanted to say sorry for not posting for so long, but i swear there were times when i wanted to write things so bad, but could'nt. Sometimes because of my laziness and sometimes because i was unable to express anything.

Just now i was writing something else, but i have been feeling really guilty about everything i have done in past few months and hence i better confess it rather than keeping it inside and dying. It has been very suffocating and irritating on my part that i have started doing things which i hated the most and would have never done. Things which i considered as sin are now becoming a routine of my life and unknowingly they are crawling in with me remaining unnoticed about anything.

Last night i was high. Oh yes i was. So what? I was just high. But NO, it was a big deal for me. A guy who hated people who drank alcohol, is now sitting in the darkness alone with a bottle of whiskey, some soda and ice with a glass in his hand sipping it in, and getting high with every sip. I dont know when it began, but as far as i remember, it was 18th October when i had a huge fight with someone. The next day i went out with friends and drank some beer and thats all i remember from where it began. Today lets try some beer and tomorrow it went upto whiskey. Even a day came in my life when after drinking a whole bottle of vodka firstly i was dancing with friends and the next minute i was throwing up all over. I had an exam the next day and that too a semester exam. I gave that somehow, got a good 88 in it too but the point is not that. The point is that a person who would never touch alcohol is not all wet in it. I never realize but i drink atleast twice a week as far as i can make out. When this was not enough, i did another thing which as as bad as a sin for me. I am a patient of asthma. Just running a few steps give me some short breaths and look i started smoking. Why? I dont know. Someone said it keeps you out of tension, being mad one day(31st Dec 2010, 11:57pm spending the first minute of the new year buying a cigarette) i thought of trying it once, and i did. I was smoking..i did'nt knew how to, but my experience of being a passive smoker helped me doing that easily.

And last night i for once tried both togather, with a glass of whiskey in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and getting very high. Changed my facebook status on that too. "What a Sad Day.. Everything looking so Underwater-ish..". Sad day because it was a 22nd and nothing even happened. I couldnt even generate enough strength to message her that day and "Underwater-ish" because it was all moving slowly. Seemed like i was inside water and every movement going so slow. In my life ever, i have never been so high. I could'nt feel even my own skin, all i could feel was a very different and strange feeling. High is High, it could'nt be explained. Some are happy high, some cry. For myself i would say "go figure", because i dont know what i get. I am smiling when i am high, trying to feel happy, but i am preoccupied with all those thoughts which make me sad, and i am stuck in a feeling in between. But whatever i did/do, i never like and i don't want to do.

So yes.. The poaster of the movie i have posted above, on seeing that movie, i never had a feeling of liking, eventhough most of he people from my age group were mad about it, i had this in back of my mind.. this fear.. that if something happens, i will become like Dev shown in the movie, i never wanted to but i felt i might, and maybe after all the circumstances, my sub-concious made me do all this. I am not this person, but still i want to be someone else. I am confident focussed, but still there are things i am running from and i am landing myself up nowhere, ruining myself and taking a self-destructive behaviour. I dont know why i want to punish myself, when i never did anything to hurt anyone....

<Hard to confess all this because no one has any idea about it at all..>

But one thing i have realised in life.. A person and his behavior today is not what he has got from anywhere, but what he is today is what the circumstances made him....

Memories...

Cafe Coffee Day..

This is my very first blog and this had to be my first post, and there is a very big reason behind it. I shall go by that later but for now i shall start off with this...

I was on the streets, roaming and trying to figure out that whats up with this world. My mind is always thinking, thinking of something crap. That crap sometimes proves to be useful and sometimes it is real CRAP! So yeah, just when i was roaming around on the streets thinking of some crap in my mind as I always do, this very attractive Cafe Coffee Day sign attracted my eyes. This has always been a usual hang out place for youngsters. Somehow it has that positive energy, that energy of the youth and youngsters that one could feel in their late teens or early 20's.The board says "A Lot Can Happen Over Coffee" and really a LOT can happen over coffee. Atleast it did in my life. Infact more than coffee it has been that plate of Chocolate Fantasy which has been irresistible and has been my favourite order. The waiter usually added that extra chocolate and a scoop of ice-cream on his own, which made it all the more irresistable, though at the time of bill it had a big hole in my pocket. Lol. That smell of coffee, that ambiance and those sofas, for which i always prayed before entering the shop, all was energetic. They had those big shelves which had choco chip cookies kept which even gave me thought of stealing of a tin or two. haha. Chit-Chatting there had fun of its own and really brought happiness in my life.

All this while I kept on describing the place but never mentioned my company with whom i was enjoying all this. It was a very special person of my life. The only one i ever loved. All these meetings there and hanging out there can be termed as my dates with her. It was a place i loved on a date, but dont know why. Maybe because there i had privacy of my own. No waiters to disturb, no people to stare. I could look into her eyes for hours and talk, laugh and live my life which has been attached to her all though since last three years. I love that place maybe because when sometimes from under the table i tried to hold her hand and there was no body to notice, or making that bite of chocolate mixed in ice-cream and making her eat with my spoon which was always uncomfortable for me anywhere else. Been the good time or bad time i have seen it all here. I have a habit of collecting the bills of the places of my dates, so that if i forget a particular special moment, looking the place and date on the bill remind me of those beautiful moments. And when i open my folder of bills, i find so many of them saying CCD.

Thats how i believe, a LOT happen over a coffee....